Philip Matthews





Autonomous, Automaton


                                        (“I understood her, her likes and dislikes and how she communicated this;
                                        if there was any attempt to communicate that something wasn’t desired, I
                                        had the acute ability to understand that.”)



He simulated her so as to become the victim  Copied
her body to his body, her voice to his voice


Put forward his version of events as demonstrated in the voice recordings
of her voice in his mouth


Opened his mouth and let her voice speak


To say nothing of his own


He moved to the other side of, digitally simulating: her


The Panel did believe


The Panel believes the Respondent


The Panel acknowledges the Respondent as a person


The Panel notes he is verbally clear


To say “no”


Or to say that she was uncomfortable, did not want contact
Was fearful of speaking up


Was afraid of him when he threw keys across the apartment and stood naked in front of a door
Violent
But in fact, it was she who physically slapped him in the face


— How else could she touch him                   to move him? who has conflated


violent-erotic touch


In the days and weeks following, the Respondent kept speaking
with her voice in his mouth


Well-spoken, verbally skilled, passionately in discussions and arguments


In all previous interactions, the Panel was convinced


He simulated her so as to become the victim


Put forward his version of events as demonstrated in the voice recordings
of her voice in his mouth


Via texts, lengthy phone calls, naked FaceTimes


Opened his mouth and let her voice speak


To say nothing of his own


“he said to me, alarming, when i touch you whenever i want because we love each other, i touch myself


“i did not go home, i decided to go back


“i came back


“i had to ask him where are you going?


“we were in his car he was driving erratically


“and turned away from him


“i continued pulling away


“he spent some time unsuccessfully trying to point his finger in the past


“at that point i started pulling away more actively. each time I pulled away, I kept thinking, I’ll say something. if he does anything more, I’ll say something. but I found myself unable to say anything, I kept putting it off.”


At no point did he, shocked and shivering, in disbelief about what he had just done, with eyes open and sitting up, say that it had been a mistake or misunderstanding or chance for a brief moment with favorable response.


At no point did he, overcome with panic and revulsion, say anything about what he had just done, but repeated, I would never touch you if you didn’t want to be touched. I would never touch you if I didn’t want to be touched. I would never touch you if I didn’t want to touch you. i could never do that to you. i could never do that to me. me-me-me, and cleared his throat.


At one point I slapped him in the face as he’d tried to wear mine.


There is no lock against the point he resumed saying, why are you doing this to me? and


I will love you forever and


how can you do this to us? and


we were both fully awake and enjoying it and you were responding to meand


we were engaged in normal conversation and


isn’t that the saliva and your cum from us touching? and


I will never understand


As if to a handheld mirror.